my name is julia...

my newest goddaughter, julia samuelle marino (8 days old in the pic), i call her "the thing" - then her mother (my good friend dang) says, "no ninang, my name is julia..."

in with the new and out with the old

happy new year everyone! adeste fidelis (is that correct?)

well, for 2006, first thing i've decided to change is the look of my blog...i've finally scrapped the daisypath banner and changed my template. hmmm, kinda shocking considering orange isn't on the list of my favorite colors but neon orange probably provides the "jolt" i need. whatchathink? violent reactions and good suggestions are most welcome.

well, the holidays slipped by quietly without any fanfare for me.

dec. 30, i checked out the world pyro olympics along macapagal avenue. sorry, can't post any pictures simply because i didn't get to take any...actually, the fireworks weren't really impressive especially if you've seen the fireworks every 4th of july. got home at 2 a.m. because of the @*&#^@ traffic! it was as if everyone in manila was there just to get a glimpse of the giant "kuwitis" hehehehe

dec. 31, slept at around 4 a.m. so, i woke up in the afternoon. rest of the day was spent lounging around, preparing for media noche and checking on julia every now and then....had a simple dinner at 12 a.m.

jan. 1, stayed at home, fixing stuff, moping around, sleeping and just doing nothing...

resolutions? have you made any? actually, i stopped making resolutions a long time ago simply because i never get to fulfill any of them so what's the point? but for this year, my resolution is: MOVE ON GIRL!

separated

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated


Separated (Usher; from the album 8701)

same time...last year...

i was in a frenzied state already...mentally trying to go over all the things that should've been done: hotel arrangements, what to pack, what to bring, which suppliers to talk to, flowers, bouquets, bridal car, gifts for the principal sponsors....whew! the list was endless...

it was a very exciting time for me as i knew that in a matter of hours, i'd be closing a chapter of my life to write a new one. a new one that wasn't just a chapter meant for me to write alone but finally to share it with someone. to live a "new" life with that person, to create memories, share our joys, pains and sorrows.

little did i know that i would be left with the task of being the author - alone...and it hasn't been a very pleasant one at all...

it seems as if the past 365 days of my life were spent in a different dimension. the institution known as marriage actually became some sort of curse for us i guess. as a dear friend would say several months after..."did marriage actually ruin your relationship?"

in hindsight, i guess we ruined the marriage ourselves. i did for not thinking about it two, three, four, five hundred times before saying "i do". i did for not being strong enough for the both of us. i did because i turned into someone who couldn't make you happy. i did because i believed in you too much. i did because i hoped, tried, prayed and loved you too much.

i'm trying to figure out what i did...have you? instead of just telling me "nauntog ako eh", what realizations have you made?

should i or should i not?

what do you think? should i remove the daisypath banner above that's a countdown to my 1st wedding anniversary?

it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't signify anything anyway...

holiday blues

a good friend of mine texted me yesterday afternoon asking how was i. after the perfunctory reply (i.e., fine; surviving) she said that trials make you emerge a stronger and better person. i answered back with "i hope i do emerge stronger and alive."

the trial i'm going through, i wouldn't wish on any married woman. im so grateful for the support of my friends and family. its a long, long journey but with your help, support and prayers, ill get through it.

i really hope i do.

i can see my friends with their partners beside them and its makes me long for mine so badly. but i realize i must move on and live my life as i should have it. when im alone, the sadness strikes a chord and it's much more difficult with the holidays here... the lights, decorated trees and christmas carols... wow, my favorite season of the year now evokes a sadness so unreal...

i miss him terribly but i hope that whatever my future is, with or without him, i can move on and find the happiness that i truly deserve.

have a wonderful christmas and a peaceful new year!

so how was your christmas?

chance or choice?

i've come across this article many times via e-mail...allow me to post it here...

Chance or Choice?

When we meet the right person to love when we're at the right place, at the right time; That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there are a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice, that's also chance.

The difference is, what happens afterward? When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and then contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling.

If you decide to love the person, even with his faults, that's not chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice.

Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice. A choice that we make.


what if your partner decided to make the choice of being with you forever but then suddenly changes his mind a couple of months after and decides to go on finding his soulmate? the concept of a soulmate being so alien to him before...

don't you just find that a lot of crap? especially if you have made the choice to be with him no matter what? just as it says in the third paragraph, beyond the faults and even if there's someone more attractive, love makes you choose...

why can't you choose me? why can't you see beyond my faults, shortcomings and misgivings? am i so unpleasing? what is it? it's a two-way street and you fall short of my expectations too. but love makes me see beyond that and makes me endure the pain...

until when, i don't know...

how?

you always convince yourself that you can prepare for almost any situation that can, would and might happen to you. but, when you're there, you realize that nothing can ever make you prepared for the pain. absolutely nothing.

all you can do is pray, pray and pray for mercy and the strength from a higher force to help you get thru the aftermath.

the question now is: how do you pick up the pieces of your shattered self? can you do a humpty dumpty to put yourself back together again? will you ever be the same? will everything work out for the better?

will i live long enough to be happy again?

it's never easy and you never know
what leaves you crying
and what makes you whole
there ain't no way that i can hold it down
falling to pieces
forever in doubt

but it's alright
why don't you tell me again
how you'll still be there when the heartache ends
it's alright
why don't you tell me my friend
how you'll be with me
when the heartache ends

there ain't nobody who can show you how
to find the surface when you're underground
there ain't no blanket that can hide this cold
there ain't no memory
that ever gets old

and i move all directions to the corners and the outskirts
while the lovers and the lonely
start to whisper all about me
and if i stand here silent
i almost start to feel you fading in
telling me to hold on
cuz it's gonna be alright

say you'll be with me
when the heartache ends



from ...something to be (rob thomas)

it's raining, it's pouring

Where Do We Go From Here?
Brian McKnight (from the album, "U Turn")

I found an old photograph
I couldn't help but laugh
I remember that day
And it was the best of times
You are my first
My beginning and my end
Am I losing my best friend
Am I coming or going
Or if this is goodbye

And now where do we go from here?
When everything seems so clear
Will I be left with the pains
Staying all alone, out in the rain
After the love is gone
When everything right turns wrong
And where do we go from here

Love have run out of time
You said you'd always be mine
It's hard to believe that somehow we've grown apart
Why the way that things have been
It just make no sense
Was so unprepared for the way I feel inside

What happened to the flame
It dont feel the same
And I dont know what to say


i've always been a brian mcknight fan. not because i like r&b but because of his songs and how there is always a song that aptly describes how i feel or what i'm going through - just like 'where do we go from here?'

but if there is something i should say, it's...

i love you, still and as deeply as ever...