i was in a frenzied state already...mentally trying to go over all the things that should've been done: hotel arrangements, what to pack, what to bring, which suppliers to talk to, flowers, bouquets, bridal car, gifts for the principal sponsors....whew! the list was endless...
it was a very exciting time for me as i knew that in a matter of hours, i'd be closing a chapter of my life to write a new one. a new one that wasn't just a chapter meant for me to write alone but finally to share it with someone. to live a "new" life with that person, to create memories, share our joys, pains and sorrows.
little did i know that i would be left with the task of being the author - alone...and it hasn't been a very pleasant one at all...
it seems as if the past 365 days of my life were spent in a different dimension. the institution known as marriage actually became some sort of curse for us i guess. as a dear friend would say several months after..."did marriage actually ruin your relationship?"
in hindsight, i guess we ruined the marriage ourselves. i did for not thinking about it two, three, four, five hundred times before saying "i do". i did for not being strong enough for the both of us. i did because i turned into someone who couldn't make you happy. i did because i believed in you too much. i did because i hoped, tried, prayed and loved you too much.
i'm trying to figure out what i did...have you? instead of just telling me "nauntog ako eh", what realizations have you made?
2 comments:
There are quite a number of things that can affect the quality of each day... a life that didn't go according to what we wished for, etc., but one thing that seems to stand out above the rest is how we truly feel about ourselves. Our inner personal feelings act like a compass to show us which direction to take. The contents of those inner feelings and the mixture of those emotions fall on our shoulders. I know life is not perfect, and yes, bad things happen to good people, but overall how we look at and think about who we are and what we can do has a profound effect over our lives, and the lives of others.
We are deeply affected by how our parents feel about us. Also true is how siblings, family members, and friends view who we are to them. In a perfect world, with everything equal, where fairness reigns, there would be no need for concern of how all these people can impact our lives.. but as you know, this world isn't perfect and neither are we. Many of us so easily can get caught up in chasing the acceptance and affections of those we hold dear to us. In some cases, how other people feel about us becomes more important than how we feel about ourselves. Therein lies the case for EMOTIONAL FREEDOM. LOVE is a very powerful word that can be used in many different kinds of conversations. But in some cases I'm afraid we're not talking about Love... but rather CONTROL. There are some out there who use Control as a very destructive weapon. On the insecure and fearful, this can become a life-changing experience -emotional thievery at the highest levels! How you feel about yourself is replaced by how they feel about you. So sad, but so true in many cases. I know you do have good people in your life, but it's important to see the difference between those that give and those that just take.
A healthy heart and a healthy soul are the main ingredients to provide emotional freedom. I know it isn't easy... it takes work.. but each day you will find yourself moving closer to peace and tranquility. The things you have to let go of may be the hardest. GUILT, ANGER, and PAIN, have to be shed and released to give room for LOVE, HOPE, and HEALING.
You will find tremendous strength in PRAYER. It is your ONLY way to connect with God, and find a better understanding of who you truly are. You may find comfort in a deep conversation with a close friend or loved one... but the main point is people that REALLY love you are happy for you when you MOVE AHEAD. And those that pretend to love you need to control, trap, and stagnate your growth. It is up to you, Chie, to re-evaluate the people around you... a reality check. The truth shall set you free... I love you, sis!
Take the time to love your self,
Ate Louchie
oh dear. :-( *hugs* hope you feel better soon. i don't know what to say... *hugs* nalang.
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